closure.

i vowed to never cry over a male companion in my life other then my father, and brother. i was way too head strong for such a weak attribute. But september.2007 brought on a little naive girl, who cried over someone who wasn't worth her tears. she cried because she was hurt, from a pain she had never endured before. Then she became angry, and cried that she had broken her vow over someone she "thought", loved her. she had an official heartbreak mix CD (keyshia cole, usher, etc...) that she'd listen to all day everyday for a good 2 weeks straight, then the songs faded along with her feelings. after a couple days she numbed the pain by acting as if nothing had ever happened, as if he'd never existence. she deleted that segment of her life all (pictures, emails, aim convo's, screennames) anything that reminded her of him. but she had forgotten some of these things were scared on her heart (things she knew by heart) his number, his address, his smell. as time progressed she soon lived days without him even coming to mind. but she knew the time would come where she would have to face him. could she look him in the eyes and not cry? not beat his a$$ for all the hurt he brought upon her? could she forgive him? to prepare her self she wrote:

closure process.

when two people care for each other enough everything around them disappears.

his lips tasted like grape swishers, sinful yet sweet
he made my body forgot about allergic reactions to weed.
he made my mind forget about all my current and past problems we had.
my flesh loved him. for his touch, his kiss, his presence was loved.

but them i was reminded, this was a temporary high
cause i was soon reminded of...
all the lies he once told, all the secrets we hold.
but i was so sure this was love.
only sometimes you have to forget love,
and remember self, i was self inflicted,
unaware of what i became, a slave in my own body,
but of his deadly world. what was it doing to me,
and who am i turning into. who is this girl, with these sinful thoughts?

Signed , Lost in Love

time has passed. i miss him? i don't miss him. because i don't even like him...anymore. it was 6 years of time wasted, but 2 years have gone by and i still cant get him out my head. he wasn't even my type, we didn't even get to 3rd base (whats second base?). so why is it that he's still on my brain. i had sometimes wish we ended things on a bad note, and were no longer friends (though we did). but yea i'm grateful for enduring such heartache at a young age, so no later in life will i fall into such a horrible dimension. and then she wrote:

new mind set.

your actions do nothing for my soul. but prove my thoughts of losing you to be true. knowing that i lost you long ago, when i lost my heart and mind. placed them in your hands. i felt your race words of apology, run through me, like cold sweats at night from sleeping with the enemy (you on my mind). leaving spaces in between your sentences, filled with doubt. CAUTION. so with caution i must say that i can not play, this game with you any longer. i can not play. i wanted to be loved out loud, the secret love this silent treatment. your happy, so you hide my love, in your pockets. but they still over flow, everyone knows your flooding. run and hide i wont search for the truth. i want it willingly. handed to me. confessed to me. i wanted you to love me out loud. because your actions haven't said much either.

Signed, Clear Understanding

Lesson to Learn: Truth is... Every guy is gonna hurt you. you just have to decide who is worth the pain.

this "closure process" was needed.


-red velvet cupcake